My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
