I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
