well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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