Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize