wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
