you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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