That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
