Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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