You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
