Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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