getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
