I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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