i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize