I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
