I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize