sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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