look no pants
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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