I can text with my tongue
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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