dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
