sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
