I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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