She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
