I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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