Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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