Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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