Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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