as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
