I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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