News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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