You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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