Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize