I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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