I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
