ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
