my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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