Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Randomize
