I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
