Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
