My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
as a side note pls kill me
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