Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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