she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
