It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
