if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm like, not good at living.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
