I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
