no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
