corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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