i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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