he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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