I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
