After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
