I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
