Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
