this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
