Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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