i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
