I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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