i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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