I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
