I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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