and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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