I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
